Thank you for your vulnerability, Kristin 🤍As a fellow introvert, I’ve really wrestled with the balance between solitude and community and found this entire post to be incredibly hopeful.
Over the past year, my husband and I started opening our home weekly to our life group at church (by accident ) and it has been incredibly stretching and yet truly formational (and I do see God’s providence—and humor in it 🤣). I’m reading Adam McHugh’s The Listening Life right now (also author of Introverts in the Church) and it has been incredibly timely. As introverts, it’s easy to long for a place where our voice is welcomed (and having those spaces is so important!), but part of growth is learning to be hospitable to the voices of others. Not fading into the background, but truly listening as a radical act of hospitality.
I do have a question for you (but first, some context)—
I have been deeply shaped by the contemplative traditions of the Church over the past 5 years. Engaging regularly with contemplative prayer practices in my journey with Christ has helped shape my own solitude in such transformational ways, chief among which has been learning how to be hospitable to the voice of Christ in an interior court that is always full of my own “noisy voices”
There have been so many times I’ve longed to open our home to other ladies, inviting them into those sacred rhythms that have shaped me and built safety and intimacy with Christ. BUT—I don’t belong to a contemplative tradition or a liturgical tradition and I’m so fearful that the ladies wouldn’t be open to that or would be uncomfortable. We feel called to practice stability in our church community—at least in this season—and yet it deeply grieves me that these practices would probably not go over well within the church walls we belong to. That’s a hard place to be. Opening my home feels safer and yet I wonder how that would go over.
My question for you—Did you belong to a liturgical church community and/or the people in your community open to that when you first started opening your home for the liturgical gatherings? Did you ever have any pushback?
So encouraged by your journey and your obedience, Kristin!
P.S— your open sign in the window is so delightful 🕯️ I would totally come for visiting hours if I lived nearby!
Introverts, unite! I'm so glad this resonated with you and felt timely, Lahni...thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to really wrestle through it with me. I'm definitely adding those book suggestions to my TBR list!
What a beautiful way to describe the fruit of practicing contemplative prayer through hospitality to the voice of Christ...have you read St. Teresa of Avila's "The Interior Castle"? This is one of my favorite books from the tradition of Christian mysticism, and it really helped me to re-examine my own habits of reflection.
Lahni, I want you to know how intensely I relate to that feeling of uncertainty about inviting others into these traditions!! I didn't grow up in the church, but was always a seeker...and when I found these ancient contemplative practices and the continuity of the liturgical calendar, I felt such an overwhelming sense of recognition and familiarity. But I didn't quite know where I 'fit in' when it came to the nuts & bolts of local church culture. For a time, we were attending a local church that wasn't liturgical at all, but had a phenomenal pastor whose own experience in liturgical traditions definitely bled through into church life there. Still, all the various feast days, etc. were very foreign ideas to so many of the wonderful folks there, and I continually struggled with how (or whether!) to even broach my passion for this with them. I felt like it would just be a bridge too far.
And for many of them, I'm sure it wouldn't have been resonant at all. But all of our liturgical gatherings, funnily enough, started with a handful of evangelical ladies from this church... I'd gotten to know them as friends, and over time, my passion for this would overflow into conversation here and there. A few expressed some curiosity - none of them had liturgical backgrounds (well, one friend did...she was baptized Catholic, but really didn't have a lot of engagement in the tradition and had no memory of the calendar to speak of).
So, I went out on a limb and asked this handful of friends to meet me at a local cafe to talk about the idea of forming a new small group...something that would follow the Church calendar. Things started to flow from there, but of course it's never linear...always a spiral! One friend, who had no liturgical background, was especially crafty (I'm not)...and she asked me about aligning a craft for a women's group with something in the Church calendar. I offered up the idea of chalk blessings for Epiphany, and she got out her Cricuit and made custom signboards for chalking. For her, that hands-on engagement was one of the ways she really celebrated and understood the Word, and so it's how some of these more unfamiliar traditions made sense to her.
Nowadays, our group covers a big swath of traditions: lots of evangelical or nondenominational folks, Catholics, Eastern Catholics, Anglicans of all sorts, agnostics...it has been such a gift, and we're all richer for that ecumenical diversity. I myself have been discerning the path toward the Catholic church (another long journey!), so we'll see where that leads!
Sorry for the ramble with all the history, but I think it can be kind of helpful: I felt like such an outsider, and like nobody could possibly relate to any of this. I was totally surprised to find out how curious people really were - and, in many ways, how hungry we all are.
I should also mention that, when dipping into the Church calendar with friends who are unfamiliar, I always start by reminding us all that this calendar is an annual rehearsal of the story of Christ's life and salvific work. The easiest way I've found is by putting the calendar in the context of Christmas and Easter...I think I drew a little timeline on the back of a cocktail napkin that first meeting, showing how Candlemas, Epiphany, even the feast of St. John the Baptist are all tied to Christmas, how Pentecost is tethered to Ash Wednesday, etc. The connections of course go deeper and deeper, with saint days also stepping into that continuity (and the saints' lives could, in many respects, be described as living gospels, since they lived in such profound imitation of Christ).
I'd be so happy to hop onto Marco Polo/Voxer to pop ideas back and forth, or we could schedule a time to chat live on GoogleMeet! :) Just le me know, and we'll make it happen.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response, Kristin! This has all been so helpful and I actually really appreciate all of the rambles with history and context, so no need to apologize. I resonate with so much of what you have shared. It sounds like your own journey started with similar themes of uncertainty in regard to the community that was around you! And it’s so encouraging to see how that has unfolded in your stepping out anyway! Before I even got to the end and saw your invitation to chat, I was already thinking how wonderful it would be to chat about this together. My flavor of introversion THRIVES on one-on-one conversations so I would love that—thank you for extending that invitation! I’d love to get that planned.
Last year I read “Revelations of Divine Love” by Julian of Norwich and really resonated with her reflections on the soul as the city of God. The mystics can be intense, so I always like to companion my reading of them with another book about them that balances it out when my brain starts hurting. For the Revelations, I paired it with Claire Gilbert’s fictional work “I, Julian”. It’s funny you should mention Theresa of Avila because next on my lineup of the mystic titles is “The Interior Castle”. I already have my companion book ready to read alongside it— “An Intimate Good: A skeptical Christian in conversation with Teresa of Avila”by Laurel Mathewson.
I’d love to chat more about your journey of discernment into the Catholic Church when we chat, too! I have found such a home in the Catholic tradition, not just in the liturgical rhythms and contemplative traditions, but in many other aspects of the theology. My friend and I have a running joke that we take our coffee strong and our theology Half-Cath (though honestly it’s probably more than that 🤣). One step at a time. That’s all we can do on the Pilgrim Way. Looking forward to connecting more!
Sounds like we must have the same flavor of introversion! I'll send you an email and we'll find a time to get together :)
Oh gosh, Julian is SUCH a marvel. I love the idea of pairing each mystical book with something that can help ground them...it's definitely easy to get lost in the cloud, otherwise. Have you listened to Jim Finley's "Turning to the Mystics" podcast?
I'd be delighted to share more about my journey into the Catholic church! Godwilling, I'll be confirmed in March, and it's been quite the circuitous journey... but really all in its proper time. LOL I LOVE your strong coffee and Half-Cath theology! :D
Also identify as an introvert🙋♀️. I love that you feel called to stability for this season. Certainly something we have felt too but hard when so many other things are shifting around you. And I also love the candle in the window.
Yes, Sharolyn, learning to hold the tension that practicing stability requires can be so stretching. And yet, as stretching as it can feel at times, we’ve returned so often to Deitrich Bonhoeffer’s quote, “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community."
I so adore this idea! I’m curious what is the furthest people have driven to come to your visiting hours? We have many friends within about a 45 minute range of driving but only one or two within 30 minutes which makes these kinds of casual short hangouts hard to plan!
Super good question! Since we're rural, we're in between a bit of a constellation of small towns...so, we all end up being a bit resigned to often having to drive 30-40 minutes to get to a bigger town or each other. Some are closer - like 10 minutes away - and most are probably somewhere between 20-30 minutes away.
This is so very good. I appreciate the way you approach your "at home days" -- allowing them to fulfill a role in your "ecosystem" of community that is different from the more formal, RSVP-required events. I've been really struggling with my time at home over the last year-and-a-half, as a I've moved from being home with three preschoolers, with more-or-less unlimited capacity to welcome people, to a major shift: I started working 10-15 hours a week, and my eldest began kindergarten at a hybrid school (i.e. hybrid homeschool + school, as she attends school two days a week and does school at home the other days). Even though I'm technically still at home, my days feel much less flexible as we try to work through my daughter's at-home work. You've inspired me to think about where in the week I might be able to establish some "visiting hours" that I can keep with intention.
Congrats on your new job and on the new hybrid school adventure! I know that's a LOT of change to weave into your life, though. I'm glad you found some food for thought here...this is definitely an ongoing learning process for me, and I tend to feel perennially behind, which makes it feel challenging to set aside those couple hours. But it has been SO rewarding!
Keep me posted...I'd love to hear if/how you adapt visiting hours into your home. You are such an incredibly hospitable person, with or without visiting hours!
"With too much time in the absence of community, I was increasingly surrounded by a cacophony of fears, anxieties, and projections…not settled into the comfort of true solitude in the way I had thought."
Thank you for your openness, I find myself slipping into this if I have too much time working fro home without outside interaction! I worry that the buzzards I see mean that the cat/dog/pig/cow has died, I worry that the barn will fall down, that there isn't enough rain or hay, and on and on!
I've decided that for the season of Lent to experiment with At Home Hours. Settled on Friday mornings, at our farmhouse where my office is in theory, but is still quite unorganized. Invited friends, some who are other women pastors, and we'll see how it goes! If no one shows up, I'll have time to get my office space in order!
That tendency to over-think with too much alone time is so tough, isn't it?! I'm glad this connected with you. And your idea of experimenting with At Home hours as a Lenten practice is BRILLIANT!!
This is so lovely, and so inspiring. I feel like this wasn't something I was in a position to do either till recently, but it has given me some ideas! Thank you!
Thank you for writing this. I treasure your open door Fridays and come as you are with what you have for Liturgical gatherings. It's such a gift and a warm hug for me and many others.
Space to not have expectations or agenda is so soothing. Love you Friend
I also stand with Lahni and thank you for the vulnerability and honesty. It allows us to feel that we can do the same and ask questions. Context - yesterday my husband told me that one of our big clients was flying into our small region and would like to meet me. No problem...but he offered our house. I went on the defensive immediately. Both Geoff and I feel very strongly that our home is our refuge. I have God but he is an atheist. But our refuge is so vital because of all we have gone through and continue to manage and so I do not want people here. Even my own children, probably because they are part of what we have to manage every day! I am not sure of this sounds only incredibly rude or is making any sense. I would like to host people but I am also very controlling about keeping my house clean and I worry that I will be a bad hostess. Also, my Crohns can flare up randomly and I have to cancel. I like the idea of a theme or reason to be At Home to hook it all onto and so I will give that some thought. I know that God is asking me to look at this in my life because your post popped up the morning after I had said no to a visitor. Ironically, he had to cancel and my relief was unbelievable. Maybe I can have my sign to the world that I am At Home, like your lovely candle, and if it isn't obvious, then I am not available due to ill health. Maybe I could start with an At Home that is not in my house because I do have to consider my husband who works from home and is not a believer. If anyone wants to comment on my post/predicament, feel free.
Dear Cate, you are not alone!! This makes total sense and doesn't sound rude at all. I feel like true, healthy hospitality also has boundaries, and discerning those is really hard; for me, my instinct will ALWAYS lead me to hole up rather than extend, so I've found that I have to be really cognizant of that. In many ways, this commitment over the past few years has been a real exercise of faith spurred by a big PTSD eruption...prior to that, I absolutely dreaded the random door-knock or unexpected drop-in! (I didn't dread the people, but rather the circumstance of feeling unprepared). I'm a perfectionist, so anytime we would have people over (which was rare), I felt like I needed to scrub every inch of the house. When I first started leaning into this calling, there were a LOT of growing pains, because I tried to hold onto those habits and mindsets of perfectionism, and it just wasn't sustainable.
In the same way that I've started protecting those regular community times, though, I've also worked more to protect other times - just time at home with the kids, painting, exercise, etc - in which case I'll decline an invitation. And learning to be open to the random door-knock has been a work in progress, but I've become SO grateful for the way it has stretched us all...especially with the opportunities for the kids.
It's definitely important to keep our space as a sanctuary, too, especially when we're tending different belief systems as you are (and as we were - I was an atheist/agnostic when David & I first got married). I think one way to do that can be to think about our home temporally, instead of just spatially: if we extend our space to be open during a set time, I think it can help to maintain it as more of a sanctuary throughoug the rest of the week, if that makes sense.
Since your husband works from home, that of course is another layer of complexity! Maybe starting with something very neutral, like a book club to read fiction, could be a helpful beginning.
But also: with all you've been doing for your family, maybe this just isn't the season in which you're lighting a candle in the window! I wonder if there's someone else in your life who is, though, and who you could visit somewhat regularly. A few years ago, I would have been shocked at the idea of hosting a regular meet-up...that just was not a feasible thing in that time of life for me. You are doing such beautiful things for SO many people, Cate - and there are so many ways to show hospitality! You're one of the most hospitable people I know.
I love the idea of visiting hours! Trying to think about what this could look like for me. After over 10 years at home raising young children my youngest is turning 5 and set to start school next year. I am working part time and trying to imagine what life will look like next year, or could look like if I am thoughtful about it. I have recently tried to organise a time to meet regularly with some fellow mums for a book club and felt discouraged by just how hard it was to find space in everyone’s busy schedules. I look back now on those years with young children that were so full and demanding but also had a beautiful flexibility to them, undisturbed by sports training and dance rehearsals, work meetings and assignments.
Nouwen’s quote really strikes a chord with me: ‘Hospitality means primarily the creation of free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.’
At a time when everyone is busy busy busy I feel strongly called to be someone who creates space for others. To work less and have availability. Of course much busy-ness is not a choice, so I realise that choice is always a luxury. But creating time and space also comes at a cost to me and my family - we rent our home and our kids go to a public school. We all make decisions about what we value and how we spend our time and money.
Doing and being the community —the Body of Christ— at our time in history feels hard, but we did meet for book club this morning (!) and there is nothing like being in the same room and sharing our joys and challenges and realising we are all in this together. I’m spurred on to make this a priority.
Thanks as always Kristin for your thoughtfulness and generosity of spirit.
Thank you so much for your lovely note and for sharing your story, Sharolyn! It's so helpful to connect over this common struggle in our age.
Our youngest is roundabout the same age - 6 - and just started school this year, so many things have shifted compared to how they were just a year ago. Between school and sports and play practice for all the kids, I know how overwhelming all these scheduling issues can feel! Sitting down to try to find a time with other moms can feel impossible.
When I first starting hosting liturgical gatherings, I began by sending a Google form out to everyone so that they could vote on the day that would work for them each month. That quickly turned out to be an impossible task to respond to! I think that, in many ways, groups often almost necessitate having one or two people who are committed to making them happen and therefore set the dates and parameters. For visiting hours, this has definitely been a work in progress with input from others - we used to meet a little earlier in the day, and on a different day of the week, but tweaked it over time. Still, it doesn't accommodate everyone's schedules...and though I wish it could, I know it can't. So, since I've felt the call to commit to this, I stick to a time that I know works for me and that can work for many gals many times...but I prioritize my schedule, simply because that's the only way I can make it sustainable.
I'm SO delighted to hear that you got to meet for book club (what are you reading?)! In many ways, hospitality is something we can take with us wherever we go: sometimes, in attending someone else's group, we're extending hospitality simply by living in response to that invitation and contributing our presence to it.
Thank you for your vulnerability, Kristin 🤍As a fellow introvert, I’ve really wrestled with the balance between solitude and community and found this entire post to be incredibly hopeful.
Over the past year, my husband and I started opening our home weekly to our life group at church (by accident ) and it has been incredibly stretching and yet truly formational (and I do see God’s providence—and humor in it 🤣). I’m reading Adam McHugh’s The Listening Life right now (also author of Introverts in the Church) and it has been incredibly timely. As introverts, it’s easy to long for a place where our voice is welcomed (and having those spaces is so important!), but part of growth is learning to be hospitable to the voices of others. Not fading into the background, but truly listening as a radical act of hospitality.
I do have a question for you (but first, some context)—
I have been deeply shaped by the contemplative traditions of the Church over the past 5 years. Engaging regularly with contemplative prayer practices in my journey with Christ has helped shape my own solitude in such transformational ways, chief among which has been learning how to be hospitable to the voice of Christ in an interior court that is always full of my own “noisy voices”
There have been so many times I’ve longed to open our home to other ladies, inviting them into those sacred rhythms that have shaped me and built safety and intimacy with Christ. BUT—I don’t belong to a contemplative tradition or a liturgical tradition and I’m so fearful that the ladies wouldn’t be open to that or would be uncomfortable. We feel called to practice stability in our church community—at least in this season—and yet it deeply grieves me that these practices would probably not go over well within the church walls we belong to. That’s a hard place to be. Opening my home feels safer and yet I wonder how that would go over.
My question for you—Did you belong to a liturgical church community and/or the people in your community open to that when you first started opening your home for the liturgical gatherings? Did you ever have any pushback?
So encouraged by your journey and your obedience, Kristin!
P.S— your open sign in the window is so delightful 🕯️ I would totally come for visiting hours if I lived nearby!
Introverts, unite! I'm so glad this resonated with you and felt timely, Lahni...thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to really wrestle through it with me. I'm definitely adding those book suggestions to my TBR list!
What a beautiful way to describe the fruit of practicing contemplative prayer through hospitality to the voice of Christ...have you read St. Teresa of Avila's "The Interior Castle"? This is one of my favorite books from the tradition of Christian mysticism, and it really helped me to re-examine my own habits of reflection.
Lahni, I want you to know how intensely I relate to that feeling of uncertainty about inviting others into these traditions!! I didn't grow up in the church, but was always a seeker...and when I found these ancient contemplative practices and the continuity of the liturgical calendar, I felt such an overwhelming sense of recognition and familiarity. But I didn't quite know where I 'fit in' when it came to the nuts & bolts of local church culture. For a time, we were attending a local church that wasn't liturgical at all, but had a phenomenal pastor whose own experience in liturgical traditions definitely bled through into church life there. Still, all the various feast days, etc. were very foreign ideas to so many of the wonderful folks there, and I continually struggled with how (or whether!) to even broach my passion for this with them. I felt like it would just be a bridge too far.
And for many of them, I'm sure it wouldn't have been resonant at all. But all of our liturgical gatherings, funnily enough, started with a handful of evangelical ladies from this church... I'd gotten to know them as friends, and over time, my passion for this would overflow into conversation here and there. A few expressed some curiosity - none of them had liturgical backgrounds (well, one friend did...she was baptized Catholic, but really didn't have a lot of engagement in the tradition and had no memory of the calendar to speak of).
So, I went out on a limb and asked this handful of friends to meet me at a local cafe to talk about the idea of forming a new small group...something that would follow the Church calendar. Things started to flow from there, but of course it's never linear...always a spiral! One friend, who had no liturgical background, was especially crafty (I'm not)...and she asked me about aligning a craft for a women's group with something in the Church calendar. I offered up the idea of chalk blessings for Epiphany, and she got out her Cricuit and made custom signboards for chalking. For her, that hands-on engagement was one of the ways she really celebrated and understood the Word, and so it's how some of these more unfamiliar traditions made sense to her.
Nowadays, our group covers a big swath of traditions: lots of evangelical or nondenominational folks, Catholics, Eastern Catholics, Anglicans of all sorts, agnostics...it has been such a gift, and we're all richer for that ecumenical diversity. I myself have been discerning the path toward the Catholic church (another long journey!), so we'll see where that leads!
Sorry for the ramble with all the history, but I think it can be kind of helpful: I felt like such an outsider, and like nobody could possibly relate to any of this. I was totally surprised to find out how curious people really were - and, in many ways, how hungry we all are.
I should also mention that, when dipping into the Church calendar with friends who are unfamiliar, I always start by reminding us all that this calendar is an annual rehearsal of the story of Christ's life and salvific work. The easiest way I've found is by putting the calendar in the context of Christmas and Easter...I think I drew a little timeline on the back of a cocktail napkin that first meeting, showing how Candlemas, Epiphany, even the feast of St. John the Baptist are all tied to Christmas, how Pentecost is tethered to Ash Wednesday, etc. The connections of course go deeper and deeper, with saint days also stepping into that continuity (and the saints' lives could, in many respects, be described as living gospels, since they lived in such profound imitation of Christ).
I'd be so happy to hop onto Marco Polo/Voxer to pop ideas back and forth, or we could schedule a time to chat live on GoogleMeet! :) Just le me know, and we'll make it happen.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response, Kristin! This has all been so helpful and I actually really appreciate all of the rambles with history and context, so no need to apologize. I resonate with so much of what you have shared. It sounds like your own journey started with similar themes of uncertainty in regard to the community that was around you! And it’s so encouraging to see how that has unfolded in your stepping out anyway! Before I even got to the end and saw your invitation to chat, I was already thinking how wonderful it would be to chat about this together. My flavor of introversion THRIVES on one-on-one conversations so I would love that—thank you for extending that invitation! I’d love to get that planned.
Last year I read “Revelations of Divine Love” by Julian of Norwich and really resonated with her reflections on the soul as the city of God. The mystics can be intense, so I always like to companion my reading of them with another book about them that balances it out when my brain starts hurting. For the Revelations, I paired it with Claire Gilbert’s fictional work “I, Julian”. It’s funny you should mention Theresa of Avila because next on my lineup of the mystic titles is “The Interior Castle”. I already have my companion book ready to read alongside it— “An Intimate Good: A skeptical Christian in conversation with Teresa of Avila”by Laurel Mathewson.
I’d love to chat more about your journey of discernment into the Catholic Church when we chat, too! I have found such a home in the Catholic tradition, not just in the liturgical rhythms and contemplative traditions, but in many other aspects of the theology. My friend and I have a running joke that we take our coffee strong and our theology Half-Cath (though honestly it’s probably more than that 🤣). One step at a time. That’s all we can do on the Pilgrim Way. Looking forward to connecting more!
Sounds like we must have the same flavor of introversion! I'll send you an email and we'll find a time to get together :)
Oh gosh, Julian is SUCH a marvel. I love the idea of pairing each mystical book with something that can help ground them...it's definitely easy to get lost in the cloud, otherwise. Have you listened to Jim Finley's "Turning to the Mystics" podcast?
I'd be delighted to share more about my journey into the Catholic church! Godwilling, I'll be confirmed in March, and it's been quite the circuitous journey... but really all in its proper time. LOL I LOVE your strong coffee and Half-Cath theology! :D
Missed this the other day. E-mailed you this morning and am so looking forward to connecting and hearing more 🤍
I love discovering new podcasts and have not heard of this one. I can’t wait to check it out! Thank you for sharing!
Also identify as an introvert🙋♀️. I love that you feel called to stability for this season. Certainly something we have felt too but hard when so many other things are shifting around you. And I also love the candle in the window.
Yes, Sharolyn, learning to hold the tension that practicing stability requires can be so stretching. And yet, as stretching as it can feel at times, we’ve returned so often to Deitrich Bonhoeffer’s quote, “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community."
Absolutely love this idea!
So do I!
I'm so glad! It's been a big leap of faith, but has really filled my cup.
I so adore this idea! I’m curious what is the furthest people have driven to come to your visiting hours? We have many friends within about a 45 minute range of driving but only one or two within 30 minutes which makes these kinds of casual short hangouts hard to plan!
Super good question! Since we're rural, we're in between a bit of a constellation of small towns...so, we all end up being a bit resigned to often having to drive 30-40 minutes to get to a bigger town or each other. Some are closer - like 10 minutes away - and most are probably somewhere between 20-30 minutes away.
This is so very good. I appreciate the way you approach your "at home days" -- allowing them to fulfill a role in your "ecosystem" of community that is different from the more formal, RSVP-required events. I've been really struggling with my time at home over the last year-and-a-half, as a I've moved from being home with three preschoolers, with more-or-less unlimited capacity to welcome people, to a major shift: I started working 10-15 hours a week, and my eldest began kindergarten at a hybrid school (i.e. hybrid homeschool + school, as she attends school two days a week and does school at home the other days). Even though I'm technically still at home, my days feel much less flexible as we try to work through my daughter's at-home work. You've inspired me to think about where in the week I might be able to establish some "visiting hours" that I can keep with intention.
Congrats on your new job and on the new hybrid school adventure! I know that's a LOT of change to weave into your life, though. I'm glad you found some food for thought here...this is definitely an ongoing learning process for me, and I tend to feel perennially behind, which makes it feel challenging to set aside those couple hours. But it has been SO rewarding!
Keep me posted...I'd love to hear if/how you adapt visiting hours into your home. You are such an incredibly hospitable person, with or without visiting hours!
Just brilliant!
You're so kind! Thank you...I hope you find some food for thought that feels usable. :)
"With too much time in the absence of community, I was increasingly surrounded by a cacophony of fears, anxieties, and projections…not settled into the comfort of true solitude in the way I had thought."
Thank you for your openness, I find myself slipping into this if I have too much time working fro home without outside interaction! I worry that the buzzards I see mean that the cat/dog/pig/cow has died, I worry that the barn will fall down, that there isn't enough rain or hay, and on and on!
I've decided that for the season of Lent to experiment with At Home Hours. Settled on Friday mornings, at our farmhouse where my office is in theory, but is still quite unorganized. Invited friends, some who are other women pastors, and we'll see how it goes! If no one shows up, I'll have time to get my office space in order!
That tendency to over-think with too much alone time is so tough, isn't it?! I'm glad this connected with you. And your idea of experimenting with At Home hours as a Lenten practice is BRILLIANT!!
This is so lovely, and so inspiring. I feel like this wasn't something I was in a position to do either till recently, but it has given me some ideas! Thank you!
I'm so glad, Mairi! I hope you find something that works for you in this season of life.
Thank you for writing this. I treasure your open door Fridays and come as you are with what you have for Liturgical gatherings. It's such a gift and a warm hug for me and many others.
Space to not have expectations or agenda is so soothing. Love you Friend
Love you!! Thank you for making all of this possible, all the way back to day one of these grand experiments. :) I couldn't have done it without you!
I also stand with Lahni and thank you for the vulnerability and honesty. It allows us to feel that we can do the same and ask questions. Context - yesterday my husband told me that one of our big clients was flying into our small region and would like to meet me. No problem...but he offered our house. I went on the defensive immediately. Both Geoff and I feel very strongly that our home is our refuge. I have God but he is an atheist. But our refuge is so vital because of all we have gone through and continue to manage and so I do not want people here. Even my own children, probably because they are part of what we have to manage every day! I am not sure of this sounds only incredibly rude or is making any sense. I would like to host people but I am also very controlling about keeping my house clean and I worry that I will be a bad hostess. Also, my Crohns can flare up randomly and I have to cancel. I like the idea of a theme or reason to be At Home to hook it all onto and so I will give that some thought. I know that God is asking me to look at this in my life because your post popped up the morning after I had said no to a visitor. Ironically, he had to cancel and my relief was unbelievable. Maybe I can have my sign to the world that I am At Home, like your lovely candle, and if it isn't obvious, then I am not available due to ill health. Maybe I could start with an At Home that is not in my house because I do have to consider my husband who works from home and is not a believer. If anyone wants to comment on my post/predicament, feel free.
Dear Cate, you are not alone!! This makes total sense and doesn't sound rude at all. I feel like true, healthy hospitality also has boundaries, and discerning those is really hard; for me, my instinct will ALWAYS lead me to hole up rather than extend, so I've found that I have to be really cognizant of that. In many ways, this commitment over the past few years has been a real exercise of faith spurred by a big PTSD eruption...prior to that, I absolutely dreaded the random door-knock or unexpected drop-in! (I didn't dread the people, but rather the circumstance of feeling unprepared). I'm a perfectionist, so anytime we would have people over (which was rare), I felt like I needed to scrub every inch of the house. When I first started leaning into this calling, there were a LOT of growing pains, because I tried to hold onto those habits and mindsets of perfectionism, and it just wasn't sustainable.
In the same way that I've started protecting those regular community times, though, I've also worked more to protect other times - just time at home with the kids, painting, exercise, etc - in which case I'll decline an invitation. And learning to be open to the random door-knock has been a work in progress, but I've become SO grateful for the way it has stretched us all...especially with the opportunities for the kids.
It's definitely important to keep our space as a sanctuary, too, especially when we're tending different belief systems as you are (and as we were - I was an atheist/agnostic when David & I first got married). I think one way to do that can be to think about our home temporally, instead of just spatially: if we extend our space to be open during a set time, I think it can help to maintain it as more of a sanctuary throughoug the rest of the week, if that makes sense.
Since your husband works from home, that of course is another layer of complexity! Maybe starting with something very neutral, like a book club to read fiction, could be a helpful beginning.
But also: with all you've been doing for your family, maybe this just isn't the season in which you're lighting a candle in the window! I wonder if there's someone else in your life who is, though, and who you could visit somewhat regularly. A few years ago, I would have been shocked at the idea of hosting a regular meet-up...that just was not a feasible thing in that time of life for me. You are doing such beautiful things for SO many people, Cate - and there are so many ways to show hospitality! You're one of the most hospitable people I know.
I love the idea of visiting hours! Trying to think about what this could look like for me. After over 10 years at home raising young children my youngest is turning 5 and set to start school next year. I am working part time and trying to imagine what life will look like next year, or could look like if I am thoughtful about it. I have recently tried to organise a time to meet regularly with some fellow mums for a book club and felt discouraged by just how hard it was to find space in everyone’s busy schedules. I look back now on those years with young children that were so full and demanding but also had a beautiful flexibility to them, undisturbed by sports training and dance rehearsals, work meetings and assignments.
Nouwen’s quote really strikes a chord with me: ‘Hospitality means primarily the creation of free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy.’
At a time when everyone is busy busy busy I feel strongly called to be someone who creates space for others. To work less and have availability. Of course much busy-ness is not a choice, so I realise that choice is always a luxury. But creating time and space also comes at a cost to me and my family - we rent our home and our kids go to a public school. We all make decisions about what we value and how we spend our time and money.
Doing and being the community —the Body of Christ— at our time in history feels hard, but we did meet for book club this morning (!) and there is nothing like being in the same room and sharing our joys and challenges and realising we are all in this together. I’m spurred on to make this a priority.
Thanks as always Kristin for your thoughtfulness and generosity of spirit.
Thank you so much for your lovely note and for sharing your story, Sharolyn! It's so helpful to connect over this common struggle in our age.
Our youngest is roundabout the same age - 6 - and just started school this year, so many things have shifted compared to how they were just a year ago. Between school and sports and play practice for all the kids, I know how overwhelming all these scheduling issues can feel! Sitting down to try to find a time with other moms can feel impossible.
When I first starting hosting liturgical gatherings, I began by sending a Google form out to everyone so that they could vote on the day that would work for them each month. That quickly turned out to be an impossible task to respond to! I think that, in many ways, groups often almost necessitate having one or two people who are committed to making them happen and therefore set the dates and parameters. For visiting hours, this has definitely been a work in progress with input from others - we used to meet a little earlier in the day, and on a different day of the week, but tweaked it over time. Still, it doesn't accommodate everyone's schedules...and though I wish it could, I know it can't. So, since I've felt the call to commit to this, I stick to a time that I know works for me and that can work for many gals many times...but I prioritize my schedule, simply because that's the only way I can make it sustainable.
I'm SO delighted to hear that you got to meet for book club (what are you reading?)! In many ways, hospitality is something we can take with us wherever we go: sometimes, in attending someone else's group, we're extending hospitality simply by living in response to that invitation and contributing our presence to it.